The Trolley Stops Here

A Hopeless Romantic

Love. I'm a fool for it. I cannot begin to tell you why I'm so soft at heart. I'm sure it has to do with my upbringing, what's in my DNA, the media I've been exposed to, the relationships I've had and haven't, and things that are beyond my control and out of this earth. But that doesn't change my second sentence. Err, first full sentence really. I just long for it. I think it's something we as humans cannot live without, but what's not clear is that from person to person the "amount" and "depth" (both unitless and dimensionless) necessary to function varies.

I'm no psychologist and don't ever wish to be, but I know that even the hardest of souls needs compassion. But we're not here to state the obvious. I mean, I know I'm not. I'm not sure what you're doing here though. But what I wanted to talk about is why it is that I am compelled to feel the way I do. I can perform the duties in my life only for so long until I feel like I'm missing something, and then there it is...

What's the crux of this? Why am I even babbling? Here it is, are you ready? I believe I am incapable of not developing feelings for an attractive woman with whom I become more than just an acquaintance. Yeah, that was a difficult admission. I don't think it's a needy or clingy thing, I think I'm just always looking for that relationship I never had. At the cost of my own strength I diminish any flaws and disinterest this person may have and she proceeds to consume my thoughts. It's happened more times than I can count. First it's just a pointed interest followed by a stronger connection. By that point I'm suckered in and it's too late in but gets worse when there are obvious signs of fondness from the other end. Then for whatever reason it crashes and burns prematurely. Can you tell this is recent? A change of course doesn't have me heartbroken (because a future possibility has been confirmed), yet I see myself from a distance longing again for that relationship.

I think it's a weakness. Nothing I'm ashamed of or afraid of, but something I wish I could conquer. I simply lack the ability to protect myself from falling in love.

I believe it's love it's hiding there inside you and inside me
Maybe the two of us could bring it to the light,
Love when I approach the tears they fall like rain ya tell me,
baby your heart's into a thousand pieces

Stop- only old and wise, with clouded eyes
You can't see what I can but I
blindly throw my faith to the face
Of the next pretty girl that comes my way

Hello GORGEous!

Last weekend could possibly be the start of one of the happiest events of my life. Well when you finish reading this you might not be too impressed, but to each his own. Saturday I booked flights and campsite reservations for a 4 day trip to Seattle for DMB at The Gorge Amphitheatre on Labor Day weekend! Tickets go on sale in 2 weeks, and we'll rent a car when we get there. Pat and I have always talked about going out to this, but it's finally going to happen! We'll fly in, I'll hang out with Roby for a night, head off to the campsite, and have a great three nights of concerts. Awesome!!!

This was all fueled by a pretty great tax return this year. For some reason I thought it was going to be bad but being a student in '08 and paying interest on loans helps out a whole lot.

Work was really quite stressful right around the last update. I had a big time commitment to help finish, but now that it's all over, I'm back to regular work. I have some pretty important meetings coming up, one including travel to Connecticut in a few weeks. At first I thought I'd be apprehensive about a trip out to the vendor, but considering the amount of time I've poured over design documentation, I know my material.

I cannot stop watching Entourage. Gabe got me hooked on the show and I've now watched three seasons over approximately 2 weeks. It's not an amazing show by any means, but it's got a good cast of characters and the story easily sucks you in. If I keep myself away, I don't binge on episodes. Once I start though, I can't stop!

Finally, I started making chicken stir fry as one of my "regulars". It's so tasty!

The world gets crueler

Several of my friends and family, as well as myself, have generated one of these popular lists of 25 Random Things about Yourself that's been going on as of recently. Today I came across an article written by some no name Claire Suddath about how "stupid" these "narcissistic" lists are, and about how much she wishes she didn't know these little tidbits about her friends, friends of friends, and so on.

How rude and conceited are you Ms. Suddath? First, did you know that you're only an online writer for Time? Anyone can be an online writer...look, I'm doing it now! You're not even big time, yet you choose to tear down others in the online arena for simply sharing facts about themselves with friends and family. And then you call this act "stupid". Did I miss something about the human spirit? I thought our souls yearn for others to know more about us. I thought we delight in the fact that we have friends to enjoy this life with. I thought friendships included openness. Now, I'll agree with you that some of your example facts are both uninsightful and boring, but what about the rest? What about the facts that define who some of us are? What about the things in life that scare us? What about the items on the list that prevent us from being all that we can be? Who the hell do you think you are, Claire Suddath? One last thing: you have redefined narcissism for me.

Others agree:

• inkhogneto
• creating itchy
• bstovall

Pittsburgh Stuff, part I

They Come in Installments

It's been almost ten days already so I guess I'll pool my thoughts together at least temporarily. But what has happened in ten days? We got a brand new president, friends came to visit, and a few things here and there. There I go again: I love the three part lists. Something quick to mention is that today I got a delayed start time at work for the ice & snow, and then we were even let go early at 1500 hours. Might it ever happen again?

I don't have a lot of words for the inauguration of the new guy. I think the one word I can muster up more than a week after the event is pride. Can you remember the last time you actually felt that kind of pride for our country? Some that know me would report I steer away from blind patriotism and such ramble, but it was truly an astounding event, and I wish us the best.

In my circle, I finally got some close friends from Indy to visit me. Although we bashed skulls a few times on petty things, I was extremely happy to have them visit me. They vocalized having fun and how the trip wasn't too far--reasonable. I showed them my place of employment, some great food places, the stadiums, and some other noteworthy spots...basically the best we could do in the winter. If only friends like that were at my disposal more often.

Something that also happened in that time frame was that I got my first performance appraisal at work. I was quite restless about it because I don't generally receive too much feedback as it is. Out establishment is rooted in the US Navy, a culture that is quick to point out the bad and rarely praises the good. I sat down with the boss for a closed door conversation and...I'm doing a good job. "I didn't realize we had given you this much to work on," "You really hit the deck running," and "You've shown great initiative and have really picked up on a lot that was thrown at you," were just a few of the feel good phrases that were tossed my way. At this point in the job, it was vital for me to hear things like that. It's hard going in to work every day, busting your tail, and not hearing if you're doing the right thing or working hard enough. I modestly accepted and agreed and walked right back to my desk.

Look, now that I've got myself talking, I've got even more things I'd like to dump out of my head. "So Much to Say" just presents itself all too often. My furnace continues to keep me on my toes around here. The maintenance folks have visited a total of 4 times now, and the furnace still refuses to turn on after cycling off a few times.

A Reincarnation

Living by oneself is a dangerous endeavor. While potentially rewarding and satisfying, it presents plenty of time to let one's mind wander into dark places. Holding back deep thoughts of anger, aggression, existence, and worth promotes degradation of your spirit.

And this is why I'm back. At the very least, I need a method of mental purging. These days, I find myself ready and willing to have an entire conversation about something that's been in the back of my mind for a while but have not yet had the opportunity to expunge from my thoughts. IMHO, others are to blame--I have tried. Everyone is too busy within their own world to make an effort discovering the deep thoughts occupying another's mind.

In the deep of winter, I find my soul blackened by the cold.

What you've become
Just as I have
Are you and I so unalike?
I don't hear you
Just as I am
Afraid if we dance we might die
What the world gives to you
Don't you know
When you give life
Then you become what you are?